Ugh, another sleepless night. I can't get all of these thoughts OUT OF MY HEAD!! I don't know whether to scream or cry... It's so frustrating! Have you ever gotten to the point where you just had enough? Enough of your living situation, family, friends, just all aspects of life? I am so fed up with all this bullshit that is going on in my life right now. I swear, I seriously can not handle this anymore. Listen, I understand there are people in this world that are far worse than me. And, I really do try to stay positive & optimistic.. But, I just go right back to feeling miserable. I have NEVER felt so miserable in my life as I do right now. And, I HATE FEELING SOOOOO MISERABLE!!!! It's driving me completely INSANE!!! Every night I pray to GOD & to my deceased family begging for things to get better. But, I feel like things are just getting worse. If it's not one thing, it's another..
I wish I had medical insurance to cover therapy treatment. You don't understand how much I wish I could afford to see a therapist. Sometimes I feel like I have no one to talk too about anything. I don't want to talk to my family because I don't want them to get worried or upset. I don't want to talk to some of my close friends because I hate being the center of attention/debbie downer type, I know they judge me, pity me, or become a victim of my own vulnerability. You know how that saying goes "You show one sign of weakness & people will take advantage". Something like that.. Hehe!!
I just feel like majority of my life people took advantage of me. I was always told that I was too nice & I cared too much.. Then again, it's mostly my fault for letting people do that to me. Some people that known me for years see that I may have changed.. But, don't know why or what is different about me.. Well, guess what.. I will tell you why & how I changed... I CHANGED BECAUSE I WILL NOT TAKE SHIT FROM NO ONE ANYMORE!! I AM GOING TO TELL YOU HOW IT IS WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!! I am so sick & tired of people thinking they can get the best of me! I know what your gonna say.. "Of course they are getting the best of you because your letting it bother you!".. But, if something or someone is bothering you, how can you let it go? Isn't that easier said than done? Well, I guess that's my downfall... Because I CARE TOO MUCH ABOUT PEOPLE THAT DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME & ONLY CARE FOR THEMSELVES!!!
Why do I care so much about people? Honestly, your guess is as good as mine. I think it may be because all I have here in NJ is my brother & no other family. So, I consider my close friends as my family. But, they have their own family. So, why would they consider me family or care for me as I do for them. Obviously if that was the case I wouldn't feel this way, right? I dunno, I am so confused! I need help ASAP!
